Getting old can be funny ........

An elderly gentleman...

had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

---

An elderly couple…

had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

---

Hospital regulations…

require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he sa id. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

---

Couple in their nineties…

are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

---

A little old man…

shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

PARAPROSDOKIANS

I had to look up "paraprosdokian".

Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a pinch of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

It’s NOT About Colour, it’s About BEHAVIOUR!

'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:

• Why you ain't,
• Where you is,
• What he drive,
• Where he stay,
• Where he work,
• Who you be...
  

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something? 
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of   Africa  did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about   Africa  .....
I say this all of the time.  It would be like white people saying they are  European-American.  That is totally stupid.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents.  I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to   Germany  ,   Scotland ,   England , Ireland , or the   Netherlands  .  The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to   Africa  .  So stop,  already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ........ And all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighbourhood back..
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.

WELL SAID, BILL!

It's NOT about colour…

It's about behaviour!!!

PASS THIS ON AROUND THE WORLD!!!!!!

Holiday ~ …continued

Fortunately the weather cleared up a bit on Tuesday afternoon, so we decided to take a ride through Wakkerstroom to check out the area. We drove out to Glass Arts Studio, but to no avail. The owner wasn’t there… so we left & got some biltong at the butchery.

Our next stop was the old NG Church. When we asked the caretaker, Oom Bill, if we could walk around to take some photos, he offered to open up for us so we could also see the inside. He was so correct in saying that we would miss out if we didn’t see inside the church. Oom Bill also gave us a rundown of some of the history of the church.

Wakkerstroom ~ NG Church VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After our visit to the church, we took a ride through the town to see what it looks like…

Wakkerstroom, Mpumalanga VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

We went back to our little hideout at Ou Kliphuis & spent the rest of the day relaxing.

On Wednesday the weather was slightly warmer again when we got up. We called the camp to check on the boys & were told that they were having a blast. I was happy to hear that they were getting along independently of each other. It seems the boys are growing up so fast now.

With the boys safely tucked away at camp, we decided to take a drive through to New Castle to check out the scenery. We stopped at the Amajuba Mall for some pizza.

Newcastle, Kwa-Zulu Natal ~ Scenery VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After lunch we headed back via Volksrust. Of course getting back took substantially longer than anticipated due to the road works between New Castle & Volksrust. We actually might as well have gone off-roading. Wow, I can’t believe the state these roads are in…

Volksrust, Mpumalanga ~ Scenery VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After about 4 hours of gallivanting we got back to our little hideout & spent the rest of the day relaxing, blogging & scrapping.

On Thursday we woke up to some really miserable weather, but fortunately it cleared up a little later in the afternoon so we just took a drive around the farm, testing the Tucson’s 4x4 capabilities. It took us just over an hour to cover a huge part of the grounds, after which we returned to the farmhouse to spend the rest of the day watching TV & relaxing.

Ou Kliphuis, Mpumalanga VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

On Friday we were up by 5h30 in order to pack for our return trip. We were due at Mooikrans by 9h00 in order to meet Cris & Greg there when they arrived to fetch Jesse as he joined them for their week holiday at Balito.

Amersfoort, Mpumalanga VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

We stopped for petrol at Amersfoort & arrived at Mooikrans just after 8h00, a little earlier than planned, but got to spend some time with Jesse before he left around 9h45. The boys seemed to have had an awesome time at camp. We had some boerewors rolls & juice for brunch. The kids received their course certificates & then they showed off their newly acquired horse riding skills.

Unfortunately, Mooikrans didn’t have electricity on Thursday, so Melinda wasn’t able to do the photo CD, so I’ll have to post camp photos when I receive it from her at a later stage.

Mooikrans Equus, Mpumalanga VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After the show, around 11h30 we headed back home. Misha was quite upset, having to leave “his” horse, Bakkies behind, but after sleeping in the car for about an hour he woke up chirpy again. We picked Matthew up on our way home & finally arrived at around 15h00

What an awesome restful break we had.

Holiday Photo Highlights

Holiday ~ 18-23 September 2011 VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Recipe for a Miracle

I got this from the SA 4 Jesus page on Facebook.

Hebrews 11:6 ~ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

Recipe for a Miracle

• 1 cup Tension
• 2 cups Stress
• 1 ½ teaspoons of Guilt
• 2 heaping cups of Limited Time
• 3/4 tablespoon of Urgency
• A dash of "No Other Choice"
• 3 heaping cups of Faith

Fold ingredients gently into a bowl. Mix vigorously and add a few tears. You'll sweat a little as you knead the dough. Pack it firmly between your hopes and dreams and form into a perfect little ball. Sprinkle it with a little faith (I recommend Hebrews 11), rolling the ball in the flour until fully covered.

Place it under a veil of belief and allow it to rise.

Put it in an oven that has been pre-set at the perfect temperature for the heat of trials and tribulations.

Allow it to brown under the warmth of God's love. Remove after due season and allow to cool in the confidence of His promise.

Garnish with your praises. Arrange neatly on a platter of thankfulness and serve to friends, families and, oh yes, strangers . . . invite them too!

Pass on the recipe to all who request it and let them know that with this recipe, they have the makings of a miracle!

Mum ~ Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION :

• Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
• Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
• Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
• Travel expenses not reimbursed.
• Extensive courier duties also required.
  

  RESPONSIBILITIES :

• The rest of your life.
• Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs some money.
• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
• Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 km p/h in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
• Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

 POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

• None.
• Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
  

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

• None required unfortunately.
• On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
  

 WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

• Get this! You pay them!
• Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
• A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that passing matric will help them become financially independent.
• When you die, you give them whatever is left.
• The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

 BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

 

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
Maybe send it to your kids as well ...

 

*** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT ~ EVER!!!

Holiday

Yesterday we dropped the boys off for camp at Mooikrans, near Amersfoort & made our way to Wakkerstroom where we’ve rented a home for the rest of the week until the boys finish their camp on Friday.

Needless to say, although very dusty here, the “Ou Kliphuis” is an awesome hideout away from the hustle & bustle of the big city. I enjoy waking up with the noise of the birds chirping, the chickens in the garden and the cows mooing in the distance. It’s so quiet & peaceful.

Ou Kliphuis, Mpumalanga VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

On Monday we decided to do a scenic tour & revisited an old school where Stefan & I spent our standard 1 & 2 years in boarding school. Needless to say, it has changed tremendously in the 30 odd years since we’ve been there. I was, however, very surprised that they have kept their class lists from all those years ago. The secretary was quite stunned at our arrival & introduced us to Inge, who’s father ran the school in the years we were there as well as another teacher who was teaching the higher grades in those years.

 

Schule Lüneburg VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

I heard the family where Stefan & I spent all our weekends had 5 daughters, the eldest was Marlize. I even obtained a list of our classmates from those days & it will be interesting to see where they are in the world these days. They were:

• Birgit Böhmer
• Volkmar Böhmer
• Arthur Engelbrecht
• Johan Engelbrecht
• Johanette Erasmus
• Gisela Freyer
• Rüdiger Gevers
• Rudolf Klingenberg
• Erich Niebuhr
• Gunther Niebuhr
• Ute Niebuhr
• Leon Meyer
• Carlo Gevers
• Erika Kullander
• Markus Burkhard

From Lüneburg we drove through to Piet Retief for some sight seeing. We saw some lovely scenery en route, but sadly the roads are in a very bad state. Who needs to go off-roading with roads like these? After driving these remote town roads, I must admit I appreciate the big city roads with potholes & all much more.

Scenic Route VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Of course all that driving around was fun & tiring, so we spent the rest of the day relaxing & playing on our laptops.

This morning we woke up to very cold, windy & misty weather. We were supposed to go sight seeing, but decided not to brace the weather & instead stay inside & relax. So for now we’re just enjoying a lazy day, listening to the howling wind outside.

Why I Luv Africa !!!

TheWalkman



The hot water system



The transportation - Toyota Co(w)rolla


The transportation - A pickup truck


The Ambulance


This vehicle was seen near Makerere , Zimbabwe ...


This was photographed in Buru Buru, Nairobi .. Kenya ...



These guys must have smoked weed !
Look at the goat.



Human ingenuity?
Painting the swimming pool.




Must be Zimbabwe ?



English is only a second language.
You have to make allowances.


'Nuff said !


Please send on to anyone who loves Africa

Amazing Scanning Electron Microscope Photos..!

All these pictures are from the book ' Micro cosmos,' created by Brandon Brill from London.  This book includes many scanning electron microscope (SEM) images of insects, human body parts and household items. These are the most fascinating images of what is too small to see with the naked eye. An ant, Formica fusca, holding a microchip Surface of an Erasable Programmable Read-Only Memory silicon microchip Eyelash hairs growing from the surface of human skin The surface of a strawberry Bacteria on the surface of a human tongue Human sperm (spermatozoa) Nylon hooks and loops of Velcro Household dust: includes long hairs of cat fur, twisted synthetic and woolen fibers, serrated insect scales, a pollen grain, and plant and insect remains The weave of nylon stocking fibres The head of a mosquito Head louse clinging to a human hair Eight eyes (two groups of four) on the head of a tarantula Cut human hairs and shaving foam between two razor blades Cigarette paper the tobacco is rolled in Corroded surface of a rusty nail Mushrooms spores Clutch of  butterfly eggs on a raspberry plant Electron microscope photos Calcium phosphate crystal No wonder modern forensics solves so many crimes.